endure
the time now is 4.43am. havin a lab test tmr but i'm still awake blogging.actually i was asleep already.but woke up due 2 a pain in my stomach. had a weird and funny dream juz now. dreamt that me and him got married.it was on the spot de.out of nowhere we decided 2 get rom and got rom-ed.i still can rememer in my dreams i called 1 of my friend 2 ask her where can i get my hair done and she was wif 1 of her fren whom i know 2.when i ask her,she straight away ask me gettin married le ah. haha dun understand why i had such dreams.come to think of it,i really wana laugh.dreams are normally the opposite of reality.me and him bu ke neng married de.he used 2 tell me abt marriage,abt buyin hse etc.use 2 tell me he wan marry nw.use 2 tell me "the plan", use 2 propose.he maked me believe and hope. but i realised these are all his honey words.slowly i gave up believing and hoping cos i know these wouldn't happen.i duno y but i juz cant c a future ahead of us.
i duno wat has happen 2 us.we got bad then improve and got better a lil but it got worst nw.as usual he blames everythin on me.mayb i've my fault but i'm not totally and always at fault and i'm not bad,but he blames it on me each time till i juz take it tat i'm bad. sometimes i feel so tired. i dun wanna always b the "bad 1". i dun wanna always take the blame.my health is detoirating nowadays 2. as usual,it has sth gotta do wif my stomach.it is gettin bad each day.i'm afraid it will happen again.i dare not c a doc.i dun wana hear any bad news.each day,no matter wat time of the day,my stomach will start 2 pain.sometimes early in the mornin,sometimes when i'm in sch or even middle of the night when i'm sleepin like juz now, the pain comes.tis king of feelin sux.when the pain comes,sit or stand i'll feel the pain.even lying down wun helps cos i still feel the pain.each time i haf 2 take pain keillers.but i dun wana rely on med.haaa pain killers has become part of my food supply le.few yr ago,i think i was still wif k,i was admitted 2 hospital cos i had stomach ulcers and needed 2 wash my stomach.else the thing will get bigeer or might spread. and if these happen, it will b cancerous.after washin,my stomach cleared but it is nt totally cured.and now i feel the pain again.at tat time only few of my frenz know. and i had k and my those frenz standin by me.but nw....i once told him abt my stomach.told him i cant afford 2 haf gastric.but he juz brushed it aside.mayb he thinks tat i'm juz jokin wif him ba.haha...tis mornin he told me tat his ex has duno terminal illness or wat.so he has 2 show concern 2 her.n said tat he does tat 2 every1.but sometimes i juz feel so lame abt it.yeah u got terminal illness but yet can go club often,yet can b some air stewardess.is she acting or is he acting.she keeps comin back for him.he say tat 2.well the care and concern for me n her r totally different.she is his ex, tat fucker(his fren gf) came tell him abt his ex sickness, he got so worried. even ask tat fucker 2 update him on her. but when i told him abt my stomach thing few mths back, he juz brushed it aside.bet he dun even remember. they say 同人不同命. yeah i agree on tat.so each time whenever i'm sick or feel pain in amyway or whatever form,i try 2 keep it 2 myself.enduring feels much better then knowin he wun care.by enduring,only my stomach hurts but by knowing, my heart hurts.
yeah!!! no matter wat i'll endure 2 the very last moment.be it my heart hurts or my stomach hurts. even if he make me sad or hurt me, i'll still endure.i told myself i wana b 开朗。wana b happy.cos tis is my new yr resolution and bd wish.i'm still tryin and i'm workin on it.i believe 1 day i can de.jiayou...audrey jiayou...i believe 1 day i'll haf 服报 de. ***smilez***
The Only One...