endure
the time now is 4.43am. havin a lab test tmr but i'm still awake blogging.actually i was asleep already.but woke up due 2 a pain in my stomach. had a weird and funny dream juz now. dreamt that me and him got married.it was on the spot de.out of nowhere we decided 2 get rom and got rom-ed.i still can rememer in my dreams i called 1 of my friend 2 ask her where can i get my hair done and she was wif 1 of her fren whom i know 2.when i ask her,she straight away ask me gettin married le ah. haha dun understand why i had such dreams.come to think of it,i really wana laugh.dreams are normally the opposite of reality.me and him bu ke neng married de.he used 2 tell me abt marriage,abt buyin hse etc.use 2 tell me he wan marry nw.use 2 tell me "the plan", use 2 propose.he maked me believe and hope. but i realised these are all his honey words.slowly i gave up believing and hoping cos i know these wouldn't happen.i duno y but i juz cant c a future ahead of us.
i duno wat has happen 2 us.we got bad then improve and got better a lil but it got worst nw.as usual he blames everythin on me.mayb i've my fault but i'm not totally and always at fault and i'm not bad,but he blames it on me each time till i juz take it tat i'm bad. sometimes i feel so tired. i dun wanna always b the "bad 1". i dun wanna always take the blame.my health is detoirating nowadays 2. as usual,it has sth gotta do wif my stomach.it is gettin bad each day.i'm afraid it will happen again.i dare not c a doc.i dun wana hear any bad news.each day,no matter wat time of the day,my stomach will start 2 pain.sometimes early in the mornin,sometimes when i'm in sch or even middle of the night when i'm sleepin like juz now, the pain comes.tis king of feelin sux.when the pain comes,sit or stand i'll feel the pain.even lying down wun helps cos i still feel the pain.each time i haf 2 take pain keillers.but i dun wana rely on med.haaa pain killers has become part of my food supply le.few yr ago,i think i was still wif k,i was admitted 2 hospital cos i had stomach ulcers and needed 2 wash my stomach.else the thing will get bigeer or might spread. and if these happen, it will b cancerous.after washin,my stomach cleared but it is nt totally cured.and now i feel the pain again.at tat time only few of my frenz know. and i had k and my those frenz standin by me.but nw....i once told him abt my stomach.told him i cant afford 2 haf gastric.but he juz brushed it aside.mayb he thinks tat i'm juz jokin wif him ba.haha...tis mornin he told me tat his ex has duno terminal illness or wat.so he has 2 show concern 2 her.n said tat he does tat 2 every1.but sometimes i juz feel so lame abt it.yeah u got terminal illness but yet can go club often,yet can b some air stewardess.is she acting or is he acting.she keeps comin back for him.he say tat 2.well the care and concern for me n her r totally different.she is his ex, tat fucker(his fren gf) came tell him abt his ex sickness, he got so worried. even ask tat fucker 2 update him on her. but when i told him abt my stomach thing few mths back, he juz brushed it aside.bet he dun even remember. they say 同人不同命. yeah i agree on tat.so each time whenever i'm sick or feel pain in amyway or whatever form,i try 2 keep it 2 myself.enduring feels much better then knowin he wun care.by enduring,only my stomach hurts but by knowing, my heart hurts.
yeah!!! no matter wat i'll endure 2 the very last moment.be it my heart hurts or my stomach hurts. even if he make me sad or hurt me, i'll still endure.i told myself i wana b 开朗。wana b happy.cos tis is my new yr resolution and bd wish.i'm still tryin and i'm workin on it.i believe 1 day i can de.jiayou...audrey jiayou...i believe 1 day i'll haf 服报 de. ***smilez***
The Only One...
Sunday, January 21, 2007
your value nvr changes
A popular speaker started off his lecture by holding up a $20 bill. In the room teeming with people, he asked. "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you - but first, let me do this."
He proceeded to crumple the 20 dollar note up. He then asked. "Now who wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air.
"Well," he continued, "what if I do this?" He dropped it on the floor and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air.
"My friends, you have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20.
Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless; but no matter what happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.
Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes, not in what we do or who we know, but by...Who We Are.
The Only One...
Monday, January 15, 2007
new com
yippy!!! i got my computer last week. finally i haf my own personal com in my room. a new 17inch lcd...hahaha!!! dearie gave me the cpu while i bought the monitor. still not really used 2 it yet...but i'll get used 2 it one day. bought a new keyboard 2. kinda nice and i like it. but the new mouse cant make it la...gonna change it. bought new speakers 2.haha....
my new lcd:
my new speakers:
my new keyboard:
The Only One...
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
haiz
he is sittin juz a few step infront of me doin the com but i can already feel the distant between us. he is so near yet so far.can feel the luv forf me is gone. or it has nvr exist b4? he is nt happy bein wif me le or he has nvr been happy all along.he hurt me again 2 day,told me those hurtful things.he once told me if i leave him, he will b sad n cry.but i guess he is happy instead.will he really b happier if i let go of him?i juz wanna c him b happy.if leetin go will make him happier den can any1 tell me how shd i do tat?y do i still cling on.i really duno wat i shd do.i juz need the strength and courage
The Only One...
Tuesday, January 09, 2007
dream or reality?
i feel so distant....i feel the distant between us....sometimes it feels like he's gettin further n further away....i dun wana think abt it....but it seems so real....is tis a dream or is tis reality???
The Only One...
Sunday, January 07, 2007
sch reopen
sch reopened on the 3rd. on wed itself, i got back my dcst common test paper. i passed but nt wif flying colours. its juz 63 marks.well i'm lucky tat i cld pass. cos nowadays, i only aim for pass.dare nt put in much hope.not like during 1st yr, i aim for 80 or 90 plus.hope i cld do well for my dcst exam 2. as for FIT,i'm so afraid. cos FIT dun haf exam de. only lab test,tutorial,online exercises/test,lab,attendance.i failed one of the lab test le which takes up alot of the marks weightage.haiz...hopefully i can pass FIT.
if everthing goes smoothly, me will finish poly in less then 2 mths time. think i'm gonna miss those gals.the chats,jokes,gossip,craps,rubbish,nonsence,outings etc tat we had in sch....it really brighten up my day.gals...jiayou for exam
in low mood these few days.sometimes i juz feel so tired of everythin.did nt haf a gd 2007 start.nw i'm broke too man...juz 5 days pass,i spend 500 bucks.argh!!! when will i haf a change of luck???when will my days b better???really really really wish i cld haf a peaceful and happy life
The Only One...
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
new yr eve
as mention, we went tw hse for countdown. reach there abt 10.the guys were already there.not much food left.luckily me ate some of the baked rice dearie cook earlier on. abt half hr later, me acc him down 2 eat cos at hm he did nt eat the baked rice. after tat we went up.the guys played winning eleven and mahjong..was quite borin 4 me cos i juz sat beside him n watch them play.tw n jx went buy beer/liquor. after they came hm we sat down drinkin n chattin.after tat dearie continued wif his winning eleven,me sat beside him watch him play till fall asleep. by then it was abt 3 le. dearie decide 2 go hm cos i was tired n he was 2. on the way backhis hm, me fell asleep inside the car. rch his hm ard 320.tot can st go bathe den slp le but his uncle n family came his hse n both his uncle family n his family was in his room celebratin.no choice haf 2 endure awhile.abt 15 min later i went bathe.after bathin abt 10min later den his uncle went hm.finally we can settle for bed.both of us turn in at 4.woke up at 6 cos dearie had duty.poor him havin duty on a public holi. on the way 2 work,he send me hm.rch hm abt 645.went bathe and do my things.went slp at abt 9 but woke up ard 11plus 2 go aunt hse.argh so tired.... in the evenin went jurong pt and me did manicure...
The Only One...