dear's bd
dear's bd juz pass. bought him a liverpool jersey which cost $90, folded hearts n bought a bottle which cost $17, bought him a card which cost $9 and treat him to sakae sushi buffet which cost $36. altogether spend $152.... my savings for 2 months are use 2 do this. n now i'm totally broke.been eatin vege rice in sch for quite sometime le..how long more muz i eat vege rice???now haf 2 start saving up for christmas. nd 2 buy him christmas present if we r still 2gather. guess vege rice for the next few mths.argh!!!
haiz... me took 2 nites to design his card but he juz look at it for 2 min and the card goes into his drawer le. no expression of any happiness or touched look on his face, juz a thank you. i guess there goes my effort le. tot he wld b touched but i guess the more hopes i put in, the greater my dissapointment wld b. i guess his ex gfs did better job den me ba. guess they design better den me ba. ya...i admit my design r ugly and lousy.my card is gonna stay inside the drawer till the day we break up without him lookin at it the 2nd time ba. sometimes i juz wish he cld take a look more often...haiz...
wonder does he like the jersey??? me thought of every idea wat 2 get for him and tot tis is the best. juz hope tat he really like it ba. wanted 2 buy him a small cake, haf him blow out the candles, even brought candles along. but was rejected by him. there goes my plan. tried 2 think of ways 2 touched him but no matter wat i do, he seems like a dead person, no feelings de. juz a boring look on his face. in the end haf 2 apologise 2 him for makin him so bored after the sushi dinner on sat nite. can any1 tell me wat shd i do?
feel tat i'm changing into another person, another life. changing 2 the type of gf he wants me 2 b. it gets tired sometimes cos he doesn't appreciate some of the things tat i've done and sometimes take me for granted. my efforts r not regconise...sometimes i wish he cld care abt me more, my safety, my well being...i guess i can only work harder ba... jia you, jia you!!!
but after everything, after every arguments, every quarrel, after every unhappiness, sadness, anger, watever lah.... he is still my loveliest, clever, handsome pig( let him c tis sure die de)...oops its bf.. he still holds a very impt pl in my heart. he is still the 1 i long for everyday/nite. he is still the 1 i wana walk down the aisle wif. he is still the 1 i wana hold on to till we both get old... "jian chi dao di"
been havin bruises all over my hands and legs.. elbows, palm, knee, ankle etc... every week there'll b bruises, old one heals, new one comes...pain pain pain..
The Only One...
Saturday, October 21, 2006
chalet
our chalet juz ended. there r times when its fun but there are oso times tat r borin. arrived at 2 and check in. room was so damn big and nice and gd and its 2 levels. unpack and relax awhile then took a nap. few came at 5.we had bbq on the 1st nite fr 6 onwards. there were abt 10-12 ppl.halfway thru the bbq, i was tired therefore went inside 2 haf a sit/rest at the same time watch tv. but he came in say me.haiz.... after bbq which was abt 12, we took turns 2 bathe then they play mahjong till 5plus in the mornin. abt 8 including us slept at the chalet.slept at abt 5plus. but woke up at 9plus.do nth except 2 c him play game.
after every1 woke up, i told him tat i'm hungry and tat every1 has woke up le so we can go eat le cos b4 tat he told me wen every1 wake den we go eat. ard 12,we went j.east haf lunch den walk ard there den went back chevrons. they went play bowling. nvr play cos was quite tired. tot after bowling, he cld acc me go back rest. but instead, he ask those guys go play CS. i was very tired and giddy le and having a lil breathing difficulty.wanted 2 voice out, but i know i couldn't. he will sure say den u go back urself lor. haha as expected he told me go back myself if i dun 1 follow him even thou i nvr voice out. no choice, i followed the rest 2 play CS at the arcade room. they all played CS left me alone do nth there. walk round the room, play some games. but i became more giddy and my head slow start 2 pain. therefore stop playin n took a chair n sit beside him. after they finish playin, we went back chalet, he immediately went play the ps2. after playin game, they play mahjong till evening. went eat dinner at j.east. 1 by 1 his fren went hm. left the 2 of us. slept at 11.
woke up at 6plus. do nth cos he still sleepin. called him up at 8. cook for him breakfast the 1st time but not even a thank you...hurting!!! he ask me dun wash say he will wash n leave the bowls there and went up slp again. me went up 2 cos i dun wan b alone downstairs. felt very tired 2. i say cant slp cos not yet wash everything. he say set alarm to 1030 den he will wake and wash. so i listen n did wat he say. fell asleep soon after tat. alarm sounded, me woke up wif a start. called him up, told him 1030 le gotta get up prepare, wash everything cos we by 12 haf 2 check out and b4 tat we gotta ask ppl come inspect. check out at 11plus. he send me hm to put everything and wash up. went his hm after tat. slack till evenin went eat dinner, watch the movie silk den went home. the fun part was during bbq, eating, etc. the borin part was wen he play ps2.
*** wana b the gal tat brightens up everybody's day even wen she couldn't brighten her own and the gal tat always smiles even when she is hurt ***
The Only One...
Monday, October 16, 2006
upcoming chalet
tis wed will b havin our chalet at chevrons. our 1st chalet. he book it abt 2 mths ago...its supposed 2 b for me 2 enjoy and relax after my exam de...i m very excited and looking forward to it cos tis is my 1st time holding a chalet wif dearie. and its only my third time holding and organising a chalet...wonder will it turn out fine. wonder will i enjoy the chalet n feel happy. hope it will....**praying**
The Only One...
Friday, October 13, 2006
sec1
juz saw the friendster of a guy. he is not juz any other ordinary guy. well he is some1 whom i like when i was in sec 1. he is gettin married tomorrow. saw his weddin photos and invitation cards. he's lucky 2 find such a beautiful n gd wife and this guy is jackson liauw...
he is an indonesian. older den me by 4 yrs but he is in sec 2 wen i was in sec 1. he use 2 stay ard river valley area wif his sis and guardian wen he was in sg.our story dated back to 1997. thou we were nvr together b4 but we both know tat we like each other. i cld still remember vividly abt every details of wat has happen. sometimes i wonder if he didn't left for australia durin end of 1997 after me completed sec1, will we ever had the chance 2 b together? after he left, i regretted not lettin him know earlier. i regretted tellin him only during the last day of sch. sch life fr den onwards became so colourless.i dread goin 2 sch after tat. after he left, me changed..from a gd gal 2 a real bad gal. sometimes i wonder, if he didn't leave, wld i b different fr now? wld i haf been a better person?
i always look forward goin 2 sch durin sec 1. cos i know i'll get 2 c him. durin our 7mths of so call "courtship", not once haf i been absent fr sch b4. he only absent once due 2 bad flu. jack is fr the rugby team, a tall n so call mascular guy who always hang ard wif a gd buddy of his by the name of jimmy who is also an indonesian. no matter where i was in sch, which part of the sch, no matter wat time, he will appear in front of me if not within my view. we nvr really talk b4...guess we contacted thru telepathy ba.we somehow seems 2 know where each other are and wat each other is doin and wat each other wants
example:
1) our seats are located according to classes. and mine is in front of the soya bean stall.everyday during recess, me and my classmates will sit at our designated pl and without fail, he will buy soya bean 2 drink.
2) everyday without fail, no matter wat time i finish sch, even on days wen i haf cca or he has cca, when i walk to the mrt, its either he will b walkin behind me or i'm walkin behind him. he takes the bus hm while i talk mrt. but his bus stop is juz above my mrt.we will den meet up again at the mini store at the mrt wehre he'll go to buy newpaper.
3) our classes r at the opposite blk. but we can still c each other. everyday wen he walk past, we will sure look at each other, sometimes we will peep out of class 2 look at each other(he n me r sitting at the corner window seat).
4) and thou we are at diff blk, but when we go out for mornin assembly, we'll either be walkin behind or infront of each other everyday.
5) even when i'm in far east with my frenz, he and jimmy will oso appear in far east.(ok...my sec sch is so damn near 2 far east plaza and orchard. far east is juz 2 bus stop away fr my sch or a 10min walk will reach. so orchard use 2 b our hang out pl after sch)
6) and alot more.......
we both confess 2 our frenz. he got my number fr our fren but he nvr called. he purposely came 2 my class 2 write at my autograph book. this is wat he wrote: hi, i'm jackson. i just happen to pass by and decided to say hi to you. from jackson....(i kept my autograph book under my table and my table is juz beside the wall.if he were 2 juz pass by my class, he wun b able 2 c it. for one 2 c it, he has 2 sit on my chair and bend down b4 he cld c it).wow, its been 8yrs and i cld still remember wat he wrote. i still remember after he left for australia, for 2 yrs, durin 1998 and 1999, every mth i wrote letters 2 him. but the letters haf nvr been posted out 2 him b4. he came back sg in the begining of 1999 when i was in sec 3. he came back 2 our sch. i saw him. he called me but i nvr ans him. i was shocked 2 c him and angry at the same time. cos he juz left without tellin me. ok i know i m nth 2 him..but...i was juz so lost for words.i waited for him for 1 yr..the whole of 1998, i waited for him.
there are still so much things abt us...but i guess i'll stop here. time past real fast. its been 7 yrs since i last saw him. no news fr him during those yrs too. found him in frenster abt 2 yrs ago. had a short msg exchange wif him in frenster. glad tat he still remember me.he's gettin married tmr le..i hereby sincerely wish him all the best, congratulations and happiness 2 both he and his wife.
tis use 2 b our song after he left for aust:
Every night in my dreams
I see you, I feel you,
That is how I know you go on
Far across the distance
And spaces between us
You have come to show you go on
Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
Love can touch us one time
And last for a lifetime
And never let go till we're one
Love was when I loved you
One true time I hold to
In my life we'll always go on
Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on
Once more you open the door
And you're here in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
There is some love that will not go away
You're here, there's nothing I fear,
And I know that my heart will go on
We'll stay forever this way
You are safe in my heart
And my heart will go on and on
The Only One...
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
yesterday, today and tomorrow
There are two days in every week about which we should not worry. Two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.
One of these days is yesterday, with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone!!
The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow, with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise and poor performance. Tomorrow is beyond our immediate control. Tomorrow's sun will rise, whether in splendor or behind a mask of clouds. But it will rise. Until it does we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.
This leaves only one day: today.
Any man can fight the battles of just one day. It is when you and I add the burdens of two awful eternities - yesterday and tomorrow, that we break down.
It is not necessarily the experience of today that disturbs one's peace of mind. It is often time the bitterness for something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring. Let us therefore live one day at a time.
Morale of the story: while we should remember the past and plan and anticipate the future, it is critical that we don't get paralyzed by either. By focusing on making the best of the present, we can actually make the past a sweeter learning experience, and make tomorrow's hopes and dreams closer to reality.
The Only One...
keep trying
When young F. W. Woolworth was a store clerk, he tried to convince his boss to have a ten-cent sale to reduce inventory.
The boss agreed, and the idea was a resounding success. This inspired Woolworth to open his own store and price items at a nickel and a dime. He needed capital for such a venture, so he asked his boss to supply the capital for part interest in the store.
His boss turned him down flat. "The idea is too risky," he told Woolworth. "There are not enough items to sell for five and ten cents." Woolworth went ahead without his boss's backing, and he not only was successful in his first store, but eventually he owned a chain of F. W. Woolworth stores across the nation.
Later, his former boss was heard to remark, "As far as I can figure out, every word I used to turn Woolworth down cost me about a million dollars."
Morale of the story: the greatest risk in life is not taking any risks at all. In life, people rarely regret when they tried, but didn't succeed. They regret when they never tried at all.
The Only One...
Saturday, October 07, 2006
weak
my eyes r pain and tired...........from cryin.............i'm gettin weaker n weaker each day....help!!!
The Only One...
Wednesday, October 04, 2006
blessing in disguise
The only survivor of a shipwreck washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly to be rescued, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming.
Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements and to store his few possessions. But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, with the smoke rolling up to the sky.
The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stung with grief and anger.
"God, how could you do this to me!" he cried and complained.
Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship's horn that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.
morale of the story: never forget that many blessings come in disguises. Often they show up as uncomfortable or even dangerous and painful situations. And often only later, sometimes decades later, does the true purpose of something revealed. May you all be blessed with revealed blessings.
The Only One...
PUI!!!
sth unlucky happen 2 my dad 2day, n it affected my family.. there's alot of senseless, stupid n fuckup shit ass hole ppl in tis world. dun feel like mentioning wat happen. makes my blood boils.. luckily, i dun haf any knife or dangerous weapon wif me else, i'm gonna kill tat person. he's juz a pathetic loser, think his whole family is. he shouldn't even exist in tis world in the 1st pl. juz dun understand, y dun he go ask his wife or mother or sister or daughter 2 go become some low class prostitute bein fucked by dogs rather den come up wif such fucked up plan n in the end gain nth out of it. or mayb he can try askin his father or brother or son 2 b some kind of shit collecter or animal ass wiper.he juz piss the hell out of me....PUI!!!
it rained heavily in the mornin at ard 10plus. was still on bed but was half awake. supposed 2 go sch at 1pm but was cancelled again last min by my fren so went back slp til 2plus. wonder will i ever finish doin my project. hope i will. the weather was quite cold today..esp durin the nite, me cld feel the cool air. how i wish he was ard 2 hug me n gif me warmth, stroking my hair till i fall asleep. argh!!! i know i m dreaming again.he will not do all these de. **wake up**....the last msg he sent me was at 8plus in the mornin. sayin some boliao things, pushin blames at me. n the whole day n nite not even a call or sms fr him. haha...as expected la. i'm so silly enuf 2 even wait for his call or sms when i jolly well know it wun happen. he is more happy without me la..haha...i'm so tired..i juz wana cry..
The Only One...
Monday, October 02, 2006
inspirational
People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered.
Love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.
People really need help but may attack you if you help them.
Help people anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you've got anyway.
This is by Rex Barker, reminding you that in life, you will often be given the opportunity to do right or wrong.
The wrong may be easier, more (superficially) satisfying, more profitable, or appear to put you in a better light.
Do the right thing anyway.
The Only One...
Sunday, October 01, 2006
blind
y is fate so cruel n unfair??? did i do anything wrong in my past life 2 haf 2 go thru all these in my present life? my gastric is getting worser n worser. few yrs ago i was admitted in hospital for gastric pain/stomach ulcer. it got better after tat. and over these few yrs thou i still haf gastric but not tat often and bad. but recently, for the past few weeks, it got bad. almost everyday, at different times of the day,i'll get gastric pain. sometimes even if i got eat, i'll oso haf gastric pain. at times, will pain till i cant stand or sit, worst still, i cant even lie down. i dun dare go c doc again. i'm afraid of bein warded again. the process of treatment is very painful. i'm scared tat i'll b diagnose wif some illness or wat.
my eyes is giving me prob again. my eye vein burst once last yr after k broke off. cos i cried 2 much le. went c doc tat time n he said tat both my eye the eye vein v near my eye pupil.and he say tat if i cry 2 much, it will get closer n closer and if it reach the pupil, i'll go blind. cos blood will clot at the pupil n damage it.last week, i cried till very jialat again cos of him(dear). n my head fr tat day onwords, every nite pain.my eyes started 2 pain 2 and at times, i juz cant simply open my eyes cos my eye muscle juz dun haf the strength 2 do so. sometimes my image will become blur. i'm afraid 2 become blind but i juz duno how 2 b strong n stop cryin. i wonder wat wld life b if i'm blind. mayb it'll b better cos if i m blind, i wun c things tat i dun wana c, i'll juz stay at hm n lost contact wif outside world, like tat i wun cry anymore le.
despite me bein in pain, he still doesn't know abt it. alot of ppl ask me, haf i told him abt it, i told them no. simply because i dun haf the courage 2 tell him. i duno how 2 tell him. he wun believe me de. he will juz say aiya dun bluff la....i'm afraid i'll get tis response fr him n i'll b more sad den, so i did not tell him. but each time, he will make me cry. he will say hurtful things 2 me or abt me. like juz now, he say tat B***K U* word again. tis is duno the how many times he say it le.told him b4 tat if he wan a B***K U* den he muz confirm n mean it. if he dun wan den he shd not even mention it. not everytime B***K and P***H like a small kid game. i'm slowly losin confidence in us. every now n then he will say it. i nd motivation. i nd him givin me confidence. but whenever he say tat, i lose hope in us. sooner or later i'll b blind i guess. cos if tis goes on, i'll continue cryin. wen will my tears ever stop? i'm goin blind soon le, juz hope he'll b there for me, encourage me, stand by me, support me, motivate me, gif me confidence and all the luv i nd. n if i'm blind 1 day, juz hope tat he can b my pair of eyes and guide me. but i know i can only hope. haiz... juz hope ba.b4 i really go blind, can any1 tell me r my eyes pretty?
The Only One...