no true luv 4 me....
these few days keep on rainin...weather's very cold...wondering how is 'he' getting on..did he catch a cold? did he wear enuf clothes? did he haf enuf rest? i'm here worryin 4 him... is he worryin 4 me 2? don't think so... the roads r very slippery these few days... hope tat he will ride slowly n safely... hope tat he will take care of his injured finger..
haiz... i'm very dissappointed wif my studies...sometimes i feel like juz givin up... i found out sth last fri...n i m juz very dissapointed wif myself...y didn't i study hard...y didn't i work harder? y muz i let our breakup affect my studies...i keep thinkin, mayb it cld b mine...mayb not 1st but at least 3rd....haiz...i feel like shoutin out my feelings but i cant...cant let my sch mates c all these... i feel so stress...its all bottled up inside me...i wish i cld tell 'him' my feelings... how my tis result sux...i wish i cld cry, cry in his arms... but its impossible... i dun wana keep all tis within me...
these few days, alot of ppl haf been tellin me abt true luv...wat exactly is true luv i wonder? wat does it mean? does it exist? if it do exist... y doesn't it happen on me? 1 of my fren msg me tis mornin...
tis r some of wat he say:
--> u r a cool n amazing gal, u sure can do it de,n u will find ur true luv eventually n i noe he will b loving u deeply
-->true luv do exist de. dun lose trust in luv. u'll haf a nice guy de, as u r very sweet, understanding n lovely lady.. if u really lose trust in true luv, when true luv arrive, it cant b detected
-->dun blame urself 4 the ending of the relationship. u r a sweet gal. 4 e last time i saw u in institute, the impression u gave is nice n sweet
-->i use 2 dun trust luv 2. but now i choose not 2 distrust but believe luv is in the air
yeah...mayb he is rite...but i guess its 4 him n the others... it wont happen 2 me. true luv wont b 4 me... i've no share in it. it's in the air but it has been blown away. how do i feel true luv, where do i find true luv? "he" is the only 1 tat cld make me stop cryin but "he" is also the 1 tat make me cry...i'm waitin 4 him....4 my true luv... but "he" doesn't noe tat i'm waitin 4 him. guess even if he noes tat i'm waitin 4 him, he wont even gif a damn abt me rite.... haha stupid me.. y m i so naive? y?y?y? y muz i believe there is true luv... there is no such thing as true luv tat is goin 2 happen 2 me... there wont b miracles...i'm such a stupid idiotic fool... i'm so useless... y muz i miss him so much? its him, him,him....its kelvin....its kelvin tat i'm missin....
The Only One...
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
the days durin 3yr 3 mth anniversary
dear (kelvin) happy belated 3 yrs & 3 mths anniversary(actual day was 20th nov)...i wished i cld wish him personally but i cant. i only can wish him here silently. 5mths haf past since he broke off wif me. tat happen in june. he came lookin 4 me on aug 20th, our 3 yrs anni. now i wished tat i cld go back 2 tat day. i cld only call him dear in my heart
he has stopped contactin me. i gave him his present on the 11 of nov, tis mth abt 2 weeks ago. durin tat 1 hr, he was so lovely. how i wished tat time cld stop durin tat 1 hr. but 1 week later, few days ago, he shouted at me. on sat mornin, i asked him for his msn add in frenster. but he ignored me n deleted away my msg, asked him again n oso sms him but was ignored oso. in the end i juz msg n told him he was dao n oso wished him gd luck etc for all his bball formation
for the past 1 week since last tues i cant get 2 slp. each day my sleepin hrs will only b 3 to 4 hrs. i wld slp n after 3 hrs i will get up 4 no reason n start 2 cry. thinking back of our past, him n how he hurt me. everyday its like tat. the me now is juz like a livin dead. i look no diff from those chinese vampire. face pale wif those very dark very dark eye circle ard my whole eyes tat stands out fr my face. i will break down sooner or later. i cant go on without sleepin. i wished i cld slp but i juz cant get 2 slp. everytime i tried n close my eyes, everything will juz flash back automatically. its simply beyond my control. i tried v hard not 2 think but i juz cant. i tot tat i've already got over it since tis is already the 5th mth without him. n oso for the past 3 mths i progressed very well. i cld slp well for the past 3 mths. thou 4 the 1st mth without him was like hell but after tat 1 mth i cld stop thinkin abt me. i duno y its comin back again. mayb cos of his bd tat day. saw him cryin, n his sms tellin me he miss me n luv me all those. mayb cos of tis reason n oso how he ignored me after his bd tat cause me 2 haf sleepless nites.
i wana thank all my frenz for taking turns 2 acc me at nite chattin on the fone. they haf work, haf studies, haf ns etc..but they sacrificed n acc me.. thou not the whole nite but juz 4 tat few hrs i'm greatful enuf. thanx alot.....
goin 2 sch soon. n i've not slept the whole nite.... feelin very sucky now...
The Only One...
Saturday, November 19, 2005
1 week after his bd...
1 week has passed since his bd.....i called him today at 11.30 am.wana ask him out 4 lunch cos i haf a 2 hr break...he nvr ans...but 1 min later he called back. asked him where he was.he said he was at mandai hill camp havin basketball matches n he said he cant meet me for lunch but asked me call him after sch 2 c where he is.
called him again at 4.30. he was at hm sleepin...he asked me m i goin clubbin tonite but i nvr ans him. he told me his parents goin thai. sun then come back. wanted 2 ask him out tonite but b4 i cld asked he told me he is sendin his parents 2 the airport. tats not the typical him. he is a lazy person...he wont bother 2 go till so far...but anyway i accepted it. wat can i do rite?
at nite ard 10, i called him again..he told me he was at hm. i asked him is he free tmr. he say no. he say its his fren 21st bd.nth came out fr my mouth except ohhhh.... he is rejectin me again.after we hang up i msg him...askin y he keep rejectin me..ask him say the truth...ask him is it he got a gf or is he after some1... he say no...i told him i need 2 noe the truth...if not its not fair 4 me. cos i keep gettin dissapointed everytime. i told him it wld b better if he cld tell me directly instead of thinkin excuses everytime 2 reject me. i told him tat he can say he miss me n luv me all those but he keep avoidin me...there is no meaning 2 all tis...he replied tat he misses me but he wants 2 b alone 4 the moment...i've gievn him time 2 b alone since june...i told him i juz wan b a normal fren.sometimes juz goin out only n nth else. n not goin back again. juz like he cld go out wif his other frenz. n oso asked him how long more he wants 2 b alonehe nvr replied so i call him at abt 11...asked him y he nvr reply cos i juz wana noe...but guess wat....
after 4 mths of seperation n only a few contacts, he SHOUTED at me...he shouted: wat u wan now? wat u wan noe? fren then fren la...wat more?wat u wan me? i wan b alone la...wat how long? nvr c ur msg la...u talk n talk. like tat make me more angry more dulan more pek chek ah...he oso shouted i no money la dun wan go out wif u la....juz wan stay at hm...i was stunned...nvr expect him 2 shout at me...1 week ago he still can treat me so gd. still can cry, still can sayang me still can say miss n luv me...but 1 week later....he became so violent...i was lost 4 words...i juz say ok n sorry n hang up...n then i msg him 2 apologised n told him tat i didn't mean 2 make him angry n i nvr expect him 2 shout...i told him if he miss me then he msg me..if he nvr msg me then i know he do not miss me..then i christmas then msg him n pass him his gift. i oso told him i'll try save money n then transfer 2 him so tat he can go out wif his frenz if not he at hm oso sianz...told he 2 take care etc n oso remind him 2 test his psp...i'm wondering y he say he no money dun wan go out wif me...he shd noe it better then any1 else tat i wont use his money...even if he has money i oso wont touch it.n oso even if we go out he shd noe tat i will oso come out some de...y muz he say all tis 2 hurt me?is it wrong 2 like some1? is it wrong 2 c those tat u like?
The Only One...
Thursday, November 17, 2005
within me....
here m i blogging n at the same time cryin... y? duno y..... he has not called nor msg since last fri, his bd....i msg him on tues nite ask him whether he test his psp ready not...but he told me no...haa....haf i bought it in vain?i wonder.... does he really like it? will he treasure it?will he gif it 2 some1 else instead? i ask him when is he free...on wed on thurs..he told me mayb thurs...guess as much cos wed is 4 his fren...they will play bball on wed n i think fri n sun ba....haaa...actually everyday 2 him is 4 his frenz de... i told him i wan c movie...but he say thurs then talk...he told me he in camp he wan slp le... today i msg him again but guess wat he nvr reply...juz as i expect... everytime i msg him its either he wont reply or he say he wan slp le or he say he busy etc...everytime he'll reject me...duno y he keep on avoidin me oso...m i so irritatin or scary i asked him... not say i everyday msg or meet him...does he noe he is hurtin me? y muz he say all those all the while i m missin u or u r the only gal i luv? dun he noe by sayin this n then ignoring n avoidin me makes me more worst....everytime i c my frenz n their bf so happy together if not hear them say how happy they r...i feel so unwanted...yeah no 1 wans me...most importantly he dosen't wan me...its all fated.....
The Only One...
Monday, November 14, 2005
on his birthday
2 days haf passed... last fri on the 11th of nov was his(my 1 & only luv...kelvin) 22nd birthday. his present and card was ready by then...me bought him a PSP. yeah tats rite a PSP. 2 days b4 his bd on wed, i sms him. this is wat i msg him: hey, rem me? u free tis fri? neh nth impt...juz askin... guess wat? no reply fr him. waited n waited till 3plus i fall slp still no reply. on thurs mid nite or fri 12am i msg him wish him happy birthday. 1 min later he replied 2 thank me. was very happy...me told him i got sth 4 him n asked him is he free 2 take it fr me on fri.n oso asked him whether he wans me pass it 2 him personally or asked 1 of my fren to passed it 2 him in case he dun wanna c me.he told me he take it fr me...i oso asked him is he free cos i wana treat him 2 dinner but he told me his family celebratin 4 him n oso asked me wan come along not...but i replied not 2 nice...if i go wat abt his gf? then i told him up 2 him lor...he decide as long as he happy can le...after tat he nvr reply le...he told me he is in camp n when he book out he will contact me 2 take fr me.
at 4pm on fri he still not yet call or sms me...i sms him told him let me noe wat time he wans me pass him...1min later he call me..he told me he book out long ago n went to take his bike n now juz reach his hse downstairs...i ask him wat time is he gonna take fr me..he told me he needs 2 bathe 1st....ard 5 like tat...after bathing he will call me.he called me after his bath.he told me he is ready 2 come over my here but he has 2 leave at 6 cos his aunt is at his hse le.was dissappointed when i heard he is leavin so fast but glad at the same time cos thou time is short, at least i still get 2 c him. he arrived ard 5...saw him on his bike fr far. rushed 2 buyhim a mini cake n a ribena then met him at blk 3. when i arrived me was panting n sweatin like hell cos i did not 1 2 waste any time.gave him his cake n drinks n then his present. he kept lookin at me...i very much wanted 2 c him, 2 look at him but i dun dare..i noe when i look at him tears will start fallin.but my eyes betrayed me...i steal some glances at him.we chated n he ate his cake. he ask me how was i? how did i hurt my head? he actually knew i hurt my head. he told me it was his fren who told him tat. he said his fren saw duno me or my pic.wat hurt me is he knew i hurt my head long ago but he did not even msg or call me 2 ask how was i. ya i know i'm nobody 2 him now so y shd he ask abt me.he kept on askin wat i bought for him. i told him it was sth cheap. he wanted 2 open but i was scared he dun like so i told himn 2 go hm n open. but he kept on askin...so no choice haf 2 let him open. told him 2 open juz the side. he did. when he saw wat i bought 4 him, he broke down....he cried....when i saw i couldn't control my tears 2.he asked me how much...y i spend so much....he said i've no money le still spend so much.he asked how long i took 2 save....he said tat i was silly...think he cried 4 abt 15min... i duno y he cried...he can ignore me for 2 mths n now he still can cry...i juz wana noe wat is he thinkin? wat is he feelin? r these crocodile tears? did he shed his tears 4 fun? i told him since he open alittle le...he might as well open all...he did. he open everything...took everything out fr the box except the device he nvr take out...cos as he is takin out he cried again...he told me he was very happy, he liked it very much but at the same time his heart is hurtin...cos i spend so much. after he packed back the PSP n stopped his tears, he suddenly told me y do i keep sayin he has a gf... he told me he dun haf any1. now all he wans is 2 faster complete ns... he oso suddenly told me he is gonna finish ns soon...n oso asked me is there any1 goin after me or is there any guy keep on accompanyin me.i duno y he asked tis for.... soon 6pm is up. he has 2 leave. he wanted 2 walk me up but i told him no need. i told him i acchim 2 his bike when he leave i'll leave. as we were walkin 2 his bike, he asked me can he "sayang" me? i smiled n he stroke my hair n then stroke again.. saw his bike...his name n my name...the word kel_aud is still on his bike... my num n his num 69 is still on it...nth change..he told me reach hm sms him n he will oso.i felt like my heart is gonna melt soon...was smilin n walkin at the same time when i walk hm
when i reach hm not long he msg me....
kelvin: gal gal..i reach home le..thank u 4 present. i like it very much... sorry 4 letting u spend so much...u oso take care of urself.
me: its ok...no need say thank u or sorry...i did it willingly de.u oso take care n enjoy ur celebration...
kelvin: ok...yes mdm
me: haa...u enjoy urself ya...if u playin mahjong later...hope u win lots lots...k la i dun disturb u le.take care
kelvin: actually i been missing u all the time
me: thanx 4 tellin me...me oso miss u all this while. n oso my mum has been askin abt u but i duno wat shd i tell her...nvm ba..as long u happy can le
kelvin:ok...u take care...but rest assured u r the onli gal gal i love.
me...ok thanx...u r oso the only guy i luv...go enjoy ba
kelvin: ok...gal gal take care
at nite ard 11.30pm
me: hey ur bd gonna end soon. wish u last time HAPPY BIRTHDAY... hope u like my present n enjoyed urself...miss u lots
kelvin:thank u...miss u 2
in between he told he is watchin movie at causeway pt wif his 2 guy fren...i asked him wan go momo but he say no he goin hm after tat....was sad when i heard tat cos in the noon he juz ask me when i was free durin the weekdays...we can catch movie or sth... n now he is watchin movie wif his frenz...i noe i m stupid 2 believe in his honey talks..i noe he wont ask me out de...i noe he is juz lyin 2 me...y did i still believe it...y muz i make myself more miserable? on the phone in the noon b4 we met he told me say 1 day we go out he will like treat me back...but wat i wan him 2 noe is i buy the present not cos i wan him repay me back...its i sincerely bought it 4 him de. i dun wan his money or anythin.anyway i told him 2 sms me when he reach hm so at ard 2plus he sms me
kelvin: i go slp le...gd nite miss u
me: ok.. nites...sweet dreams of me only k?
kelvin: k
haha..i noe i sounds stupid...i know he dun even wana bother abt me...so now 2 days passed..on sat n sun he did not even contact me. not even a single sms. i remembered tellin him 2 let me noe when he has read my card n test the PSP..but till now not a single word fr him.i noe i can forget abt him askin me out like wat he told me. I M STUPID.... SO DAMN STUPID. I HATE MYSELF...Y M I SO STUPID?
The Only One...
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
2005 deepavali & memories of 2004 deepavali
today is deepavali...i cld still remember last year's deepavali...last year's deepavali falls on the 11th of nov 2004(thursday)... it is also "Kel's" 21st birthday. he was very lucky as his bd falls on a public holi. so he is allowed 2 come out the day b4. cld still rem he keep on boastin 2 every1 tat it was his bd tat is y its a holiday..
the nite b4 his 21st bd,10th nov 2004, we went musicunderground... he had a so call mini celebration comprising of his campmates.. there was quite a big grp of us. we had fun tat nite... left abt 3plus am...
on the 11th nov 2004, his actual bd, he had a celebration at hm... he woke up abt 9plus n i woke up abt 10. after preperation, i went over his hse.. by the time i reach there, the buffet has already arrived.. his mum n maid n him had already done most of the job..hee! i was supposed 2 help out. but when i reached there, his mum told me i can relaxed le. his relatives came ard 12plus...followed by his close frenz or gd frenz or rather bt panjang frenz. they arrived around 2pm. the food was nice... ard 4, we had e cake cutting session... ard 5 onwards his relatives n some frenz went back... only a few of his frenz stayed back wif us.. guess wat i got him on his bd? haaa...may sound cheap n simple.... yeah me juz got him a levis tee n a small decorative tshirt tat has our pic on it..he brought it 2 camp 2 hang it on his cupboard (but i doubt its still hangin there now). after tat ard evenin we went 2 kopitiam 2 meet up wif his fren... he book in at 10pm tat nite...
was very happy tat day..not only me but he oso enjoyed tat day... i tot finally my dear has grown up, finally he will know how 2 think n wana settle down le. but..........i was wrong.. he still wana play. his 21st bd has already passed 4 a yr but it seems like it was only yesterday cos i cld still vividly rem the times we were together. his 22nd bd is comin soon...n i know i wont b the 1 celebratin his bd wif him tis yr. some1 else has taken over me...haizzz all i can only do is 2 feel sad n hurt. really hate tis feelin, its a holi but i woke up so early. cant slp cos i m thinkin of him. I MISS U KELVIN! I REALLY MISS U...
The Only One...